An Open Letter to My Son on His 2nd Birthday

Dear Bennett-

You’re 2 years old today! Happy birthday beautiful boy!

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It’s still so crazy to think of how much our lives have changed in the last 2 ½  years since we found out you’d be ours. We didn’t even know if you were going to be a boy or a girl. Then, at Casey’s ultrasound, we learned that we’d be blessed with a boy, that Abigail would have a little brother to love and grow up with and her full biological brother at that! And then there was the roller coaster of thinking you might not be ours. It wasn’t our decision to make. It was hard and confusing.

But, the hardest thing was probably bonding. It was hard! (It kind of still is at times.) And if I’m honest, I can tell it went both ways. But, I’m sure that was my fault. You could feel my distance. You were such a fussy baby but it was never your fault. You were just a baby. Quite frankly, you’re not exactly an easy toddler either 😉 Man, did God bless you with some lungs! But, I don’t fault you for any of it. How could I? You had a rough start that was, of course, no fault of your own. And maybe it would all be the same regardless of your start.

Anyway, I’d rather put a lot of that behind us. You’re 2 now and although we still have our moments, I fall a little more in love with you every day. And, I think that goes both ways. You love your Momma! And, wow! What a blessing that is! I’m so thankful you are my little guy. Somehow, someway I’ll never completely understand, you were always meant to be mine. And, that is amazing and I’m so thankful for it.

So, Bennett, know this. I love you! You are my son. I’m your Momma, now and always. I’m so thankful Casey made that hard decision, the one she knew was the right one…for her and for us…the one where she wanted you to be loved by two parents and to grow up with your sweet big sister. We will always do everything we can to honor her and the decision she made. I pray as you grow you learn to do the same. 

Little Bennett, as I write this with tears in my eyes, I feel my love for you. I’m sorry for every moment I missed bonding with you. It wasn’t what I wanted. It’s just where I was and what I had to give. I’m working to give more now. I know I can’t get any of the last 2 years back. But, I can make the most of our time going forward knowing I’ll still make mistakes but that’s ok. So will you. And that’s ok too. Because you’re my boy and I’m your Momma and nothing will change that.

Happy birthday baby boy. It is an honor and privilege to have been chosen to be your Momma. Maybe I failed to realize that at times, maybe there will be moments I still forget it.

But, don’t worry. I’ll always remember again!

Your Momma

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